The face he made when he was angry always scared me.
The raw power my father scared everyone. What flowed through him could never be explained in words… only felt by everyone around him.
When Marvel released the new version of “The Hulk”, that was pretty much it. He was the nicest guy… until he wasn’t. No one wanted to see him when he was angry.
As I grew up, I learned, this power flowed through me too.
In junior high school, after losing a soccer match, a teammate pushed me into a fence and was about to start hitting me. He blamed me for the match we had just lost. I was unable to move, frozen with every muscle of my body clenched tight. Standing like the hulk before he unleashed onto an unsuspecting victim. The fight never was, my brother pulled me away and teachers broke up the fight. I wasn’t afraid of losing the fight, I was afraid of me.
My inner hulk showed up time and time again as a child. Walls in the house were never safe from the rage inside. As an adult however, things did calm down and that power was channeled into my throat chakra.
Two employees of mine and I at a hotel enjoying a nice relaxing jacuzzi to end our day. The door to the pool area creaked open and a security guard approached us quickly, a scornful look on his face. As he spoke, a rush of adrenaline flooded me. He had seen beer bottles from the door and assumed they were ours. He was yelling at my employees and I, letting us know we were going to be removed from the hotel.
Look, I’m pretty chill, but if you attack the people I love, chill goes out the window and protector mode gets activated!
I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I let him know that jumping to conclusions and making accusations to great guests without any foundation, was neither professional nor appreciated!
The security guard left. As the door closed behind him and I sat back down in the jacuzzi, my employees stared at me. I remember one saying “holy shit man, what was that!” Turns out that while the words were correct, the energy I projected towards this man, let him know clearly. You leave NOW and you never return. My employees were both impressed by how I protected them, and if I’m being honest, a little scared.
Of course, I continued my inner work to reveal the many layers of emotion that were stored both genetically and epigenetically.
Epigenetics? A term that rocked my world.
Research scientists conducted an experiment with mice that involved pumping the smell of cherry blossoms into a cage and electrocuting mice. The mice of course wound up fearing the smell of cherry blossoms.
What was actually interesting in the experiment was the fact that this fear carried 6 generations deep! Yes, the children of the mice electrocuted were fearful of the same cherry blossom scent. And then so were their children, for a total of 6 generations! This blew my mind.
Another interesting note is that this ONLY happened on the paternal end. When the experiment was conducted with female mice, the epigenetic transfer was not the same. The jury is still out on if female mammals are actually born with all the eggs they will ever produce for reproduction, thanks to some new studies, but still, a very interesting outcome!
As I read this study, I was reminded of the time my father and I were at the hospital and the receptionist asked for his social security number. In 1983 social security numbers were NOT used in this way yet. They were for retirement (social security) purposes only. Nothing upset my father like what he knew was coming. He could see a lot that most people missed. He knew a day would come when everyone would be tracked and that people would happily give up their freedom in exchange for comfort.
Anyhow, I looked up at him at the receptionist’s desk, bottom lip quivering from anger as started to unleash his verbal assault on the poor receptionist. He refused to give his social security number and was irate about it. As a young boy, I was so embarrassed. I felt bad for the poor woman behind the desk, she had nothing to do with this new policy. In fact she even told him it was fine that he didn’t give it. But that didn’t stop him from screaming like a lunatic.
So I had a choice. A choice just like you have.
Do I let the fears of my father control my existence?
Do I work to identify the underlying reasoning for this epigenetic imprint?
What other current life imprints may have contributed to any undercurrent of anger?
So I did what any reasonable person would. I drank and smoked, avoiding all of it. Well, until I met my wife Crystal. She made me want to be the man I was supposed to be. She made me want to be a fantastic father, husband and person.
Sober, boring, relaxed, chill Mike actually became a pretty cool dude. He healed so many triggers that brought out his inner hulk. In fact, it’s been years since he was upset.
Turns out, anger for me, was a sign of not respecting myself and my own boundaries. If something bothers me now, I state it. I talk about things, process emotions, share my feelings, even when not desired. Most people won’t want to hear you tell them what’s bothering you, or how they have crossed a boundary you set for yourself. Tough shit.
Now I’m able to channel the insane amount of energy that flows through me in a healthy and productive way. As a 2/4 Manifesting Generator with charts in every divination system that make people say things like “who’s born like this” (literally happened yesterday), I have had to learn to channel my energy better. I didn’t have a choice. I suspect I was wired like this so I would be able to teach others? Who knows.
There are no coincidences. There is only God’s plan and I’m so grateful to have been able to know my father. Complete with his anger, his contempt, and his fears. I’m grateful my mother set her boundary and left him when I was 3, he was wonderful, but toxic. I’m grateful I was given the ability to see life as an observer. First to witness the lives of others as an invisible 90 pound boy in high school, then to observe my own life as a man. I’m grateful for Crystal arriving to help me choose to be a better person. I’m even grateful for how the last year has shaped me through pain and surrender.
My father had a lot of other sins too. Things I know he passed down to me, but like us all, I get to choose what I want to express and what I don’t.
We are not victims of our genes, we are the stewards of them.