Patterns are all I see now. Mine, yours, theirs, ours, it’s all patterns to me. One I avoided recognizing for a long time was my own pattern after my wife had passed.
I longed for what was taken from me;
FAMILY
Having spent so much time and energy on becoming the best family man I could, I missed the ability to put energy into that extensive training and skill.
Then during the time block of my anniversary with my lost love Crystal Hill something happened.
I was with my Mom, Nicole, my brother Ray and his family at an AirBnB. Watching Monica be a great mom and Ray being a great dad was beautiful, heartbreaking, and healing.
Something became super clear.
Something I hadn’t been able to recognize.
My time as a father to growing babies was my past… but was it my future?
I loved being a dad to kids and I love children. But that love is very different from actually raising a family for decades. I take all commitments very seriously and would not have left my wife’s bedside… ever.
As a newly single man with many, many years ahead of him, the family question carried so much weight and meant so much to my future. It also revealed how much focus I was placing on the past. Something I’ve NEVER done in my life. (like, literally to a fault I’m sure).
At the end of a long weekend I was floored with the earth shaking reality I had been avoiding.
Those days are gone and I’m not supposed to relive the past. God placed me into a new chapter. Not the same chapter with new characters. This new chapter has its own story and it’s still unfolding.
As I broke down my own pattern, I started to see clearly my attachment to the past and to things “I loved”.
Yesterday I spoke of “choices” with my mom.
As we spoke, the mirror of my own choices was blinding. It’s impossible for me to have any conversation without seeing the mirror now. I try desperately not to see any fault or mistake in the mirror, instead, I look for the lesson.
I make so many “mistakes” every day. Mostly because I try not to be afraid of making mistakes. The world needs more people ready to make “mistakes”. But also I’m human and I evolve every day. Mistakes are a part of that evolution. The greatest lessons are usually rooted in deep and painful mistakes. God help me if I ever stop growing from lessons and making mistakes.
So, is it just me?
Are you trying to recreate the past in any area of your life? Are you operating from one of the 7 mirrors? (for me, I was operating from The Mirror Of That Which Was Taken Away From Me.. a mirror that does not serve the soul other than as a lesson). God, I’m listening.