Let’s go DEEP today… Grief or Gratitude? Which is OK?


While flipping through my “Teaching of Buddha” book today, I found these post-it notes Crystal left around the house on our 17th year anniversary.

I was instantly filled with gratitude and joy for the time I was able to spend with my love. My heart filled with a gratitude that I could never put into words.

Not grief, not longing, not self pity.

For those to be present, I would have to have a longing for the impossible and a lack of acceptance. If you know me, you know that’s not me. I only know the silver lining. I am the silver lining.

My close friends, including one yesterday, said… “I’m not sure I’d be as strong as you’ve been lately. I’m glad you’re able to see the light. It’s definitely inspiring”

To be clear, I’m not strong in the way he meant it. Strength would be needed if I didn’t truly know at every level of self, my life is God’s orchestra, and it’s beautiful.

I don’t expect everyone to understand this.

I’ve had many comments and warnings from well intended friends on how much time is needed to process and that maybe I should not be as happy about life and living as I am right now.

Shouldn’t we be the happiest about life when we see just how fragile it is, and how easily it can be taken from us?

Usually when we see someone else having an experience, we compare our inner pain, fear and desires against that person’s journey. We assume that we all experience challenges the same. This isn’t true for everyone.

While we are all the same whole soul, the same person, and I am definitely another you, our “world glasses” may be very different.

Our world view is always determined by the glasses of experience. We each wear a different pair of glasses based on those experiences. Some proudly wear their glasses, while others loath them.

What’s important to remember is that these glasses start clear!

Most have glasses with semi transparent stickers on them. (myself included) Stickers you look through to determine the meaning behind what you’re seeing. Is what I’m seeing/experiencing safe? Is it good or bad? Will this help or hurt me?

What stickers do your glasses have on them?

Do they have fun and cheeky sayings?

Are they full of positive affirmations?

Are they full of self hateful words?

Did someone else put stickers on your glasses?

Is there so many layers you can’t see anything?

Lately I started sharing the depths of my own journey with my friends and soul journey tribe. It’s been interesting and amazing to observe the various responses. I’m so grateful for every single reaction and have responded to every single one. I can feel their pain, their compassion and their desire to heal and love me, it’s honestly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

For 25 years I have been on a journey of self discovery, surrender and love.

Imagine for a moment what you would feel like inside if you spent nearly every day of 25 years reprogramming your mind, body and soul to understand one thing. God’s plan is real and your only job is to surrender to it daily.

Nearly every day I listen to something to offset the programming that penetrates us from every angle. The lies that keep you from remembering the truth.

That you are perfect exactly as you are.

That there is no destination, only the journey

Whatever happens for you, is truly for you. Find the love in it.

That no matter what happens in the real world, we get to decide our emotional response.

We get to take off any sticker that blocks our view, but we have to know they exist first, to remove them.

We can add any sticker we want, whenever we want!

For me, being in the “present” has been about revealing my stickers, removing them, and living for today. I ended up realizing that I was perfect the entire time! Nothing was “wrong with me” unless I listened to and accepted the voices of the “other reflections of self”. I would never choose to spend a single day differently than I have.

In reality there is no future, and no past. There is only now. We can choose to obsess over anything we want, but we can surely ruin “now” by overthinking.

We can also make today amazing by holding gratitude for all…. past, present and future.

P.S. Viktor Frankl – Man’s Search for Meaning was huge for my mental understanding: it’s a 1946 book chronicling his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II. For me, his professional analysis of his fellow prisoners helped me tremendously! Then God sent me ways to integrate this knowledge.

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