I stared into the eyes of my wife on our first wedding dance, she was so beautiful. She held the back of my neck she whispered into my ear something that changed my life forever…

“I quit taking my birth control, I’m ready to have your baby”.

That private and intimate moment defined the rest of my life.

I knew that I was going to dedicate my entire life to being the best husband and father possible for her. The one woman that fully held me. She was going to be my new priority. Not a part of my life, but my life. My true mission.

For the next 20 years my focus was on being the best husband to her, and father to my Nicole and Krista. It was emotionally exhausting, spiritually draining, intellectually challenging and also the most rewarding work of my life.

So I’ll ask again… what’s YOUR focus?

Are you living in true focus for your objective in life?

Are you aware of the consequences of your focus?

Are you really giving it your all?

While being a good father has brought nothing but joy in my life, being a great husband had its consequences.

Not just in the loss of my wife last year, or even now as I try to see what the future holds for me. During my relationship I found myself trying harder and harder to be a better husband and man. It sometimes felt as though I was alone in this as I continued to listen to hundreds of books, asking to be joined, but only getting rolled eyes. Sometimes in a relationship you actually may be trying harder than your spouse! But does that matter? Well, kinda?

For me, the most important aspect of it all was recognizing that holding any animosity for my partner because “she was not trying as hard as me”, was a continued reflection of me wishing things were different than they were. Wishing she was different than she was. This is a poisonous cup we fill up over and over with their actions, words and emotions. We seek out things to fill that poisonous chalice. Then we drink from it as often as needed.

People meet, they have connections, they match up, and the only real question to ask is “have I given my best”? I know for a fact that I did not. I can easily look at many times in my past and wish I had given more. Did I give more in relationship than most anyone in the world would have? Oh yes, I believe I did. Even when it was not understood by my love or anyone watching from the sidelines.

I worked so hard at partnership that now I’ve found myself wondering if I have gone too far?

Am I able to function in a normal, non marriage relationship?

Will my expectations for partnerships be too high? Am I so far removed from the norm that I’m no longer capable of a 2024 relationship?

While I am posting this to Facebook, I dislike social media. I use my phone for spotify and work and driving directions. I see a world hyper addicted to social media and their phones. Sitting together, but separate in mind and soul.

Even online dating has its roots in the phone. We have become a species that is glued to its devices, where I spent a lifetime glued to my partner and my children because THAT was and is my focus.

What happened to the world while I lived in my own little cave?

I peered into the world, and honestly, I don’t understand humans now 🙁 I mean psychologically I do get it, but not spiritually.

I’ll start writing again, but for your own sake, please consider what your focus is on before it’s too late.

I won’t be changing my focus regardless.

I am me and I will be the best husband and father, even without my wife.

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