Marriage and relationship issues


Before we start, let me thank you for being a rare and amazing person! In a world of “30 seconds or less”, you’re one of a handful who take the time to listen, learn and grow. Be proud of that. Own how truly rare you are! Thank you 🙂

So, like most of us, I’ve had my share of relationship issues. Always a “hopeless romantic”, the images in my mind rotate between romantic, passionate and if I’m being honest, a little edgy.

I married young because of my insecurities. Divorced after 7 years and I got to keep every one of my issues in the divorce. They happily haunted me from relationship to relationship.

For years I was on a quest, searching for the romantic queen to share my kingdom and to be the mother of my baby angel. 

While on the surface this sounds amazing and movie perfect, it wasn’t. I wasn’t attractive, wealthy, or secure in myself. I wandered around, a knight on the inside, a jester on the outside. 

Then out of nowhere, a queen appeared. 

She arrived 2 weeks after my hard breakup I told you about last. I wasn’t in a place to have a queen arrive so quickly, but that’s not  how God works. His time, not mine. 

When we met, my bedroom contained a single item. 

A mattress. 

No box spring, no sheets, no comforter. I had no furniture, no belongings and a Chevy Cavalier to my name. That and a fridge full of booze… and a lot of weed. Yup, a real winner 🙂

I told my queen “someday, I will have everything you can dream of”… she didn’t care.

I told my queen “I will change the world and teach them to love”… she didn’t believe me, but she supported me.

I told my queen “get out”…  she knew I was afraid, she came back.

I told my queen “I’m sorry, please marry me”… she said “what took you so long”.

If this was a Hollywood story, that would be the end. 

Movies show you what I call “Venus Love”. Rarely will you see Karmic debt, lessons, mirrors, mars influence and truth.

Real soul connections are about a soul’s mission. 

That’s not to say that “Venus” can’t be a part of connections in the real world, often it is, but not always. 

In Hollywood, after our main character finds their love, the world is bliss and we fade to sunset over the water. 

In the real world, being a great partner, friend and lover takes work. Yes, work! That doesn’t mean you have to hate the work, you should love it and be willing to do it.

In business there’s a lot of talk around “10,000 hours” as the magical amount of time you have to spend doing something to be considered an expert at it. 

If that’s true, how much time do partners spend learning to be an expert partner to their mate? No one is going to win husband or wife of the year by couch osmosis. 

Do you actively read, study, grow and try to be the best partner you can be? 

How many hours have you dedicated to the study of “being a badass partner?” 

Have you set conditions on what he or she must do to deserve you as the best partner? 

If you know your partner’s love language, are you actively giving them love in THEIR language and not your own version of that language? This is the number one reason for infidelity in my opinion. There’s always “circumstances”, but the core usually comes back to “not feeling loved” or “excited” and feeling judged. Is she wanting to be seen, heard or valued? Is he wanting to be the “Chris Hemsworth” of her world and the reason her knees get weak?

Honest question. The last month, how much time have you spent gazing into their eyes with love and how much time spent rolling your eyes?

This is usually where a couple will start to justify with “YABUT”. Yeah, but he/she…

Are you waiting for your partner to change before you’re willing to change? How’s that working?

If so, that doesn’t make you a great partner, it makes you a conditional lover. And as we know from experience, conditional love doesn’t feel so good. 

I’m not saying that there aren’t some very broken people or relationships. What I am saying is that one partner has to be willing to recognize and grow first. It usually starts with one. 

Here’s the secret.

If you’re that first who’s agreeing to grow, it must be done for the right reasons! If you use your growth, love and appreciation as a weapon in arguments, then it’s not growth, it’s a weapon. 

If you’ve found yourself angry, upset or especially resentful, then it’s possibly not growth, it’s codependent behavior and a set up. 

We must choose growth for our own sake and see our partner for the person we married. 

We must remember daily that being in this relationship is a choice and choose it every morning. Or don’t.

We must remember that our children are watching our actions, words and energy daily.

We must operate from the highest point of service to our partner and ourselves. 

We must remember that not all relationships are meant to last and when they end, both parties are sure they’re in the right, no matter how wrong they are, you’re not excluded from this list, and neither am I. 

The real reason relationships usually don’t “work out” is right in the name itself… “work out”. If you’re willing to put it in, it’s honestly the most rewarding thing you will ever do. As I watched my wife slip away this year, I never thought for even a second, “I wish I had worked less on our relationship”.  

Do with this what you choose. Choose wisely. 

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